The Little Book of Platitudes

2006-02-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

And then there was Lola.

Our lives changed in an instant and we couldn't remember how we had felt complete without you. You arrived in the early hours of the 8th December 2005, red and angry, warm and vulnerable, letting out your first cry as you entered the world. As I held you to my chest, your skinny limbs bunched into a ball, you fitted so snug that I could have stayed like that forever. You, the embodiement of your parents undying love, you, who I had carried inside me for 40 weeks and 4 days, you, with your squashed up face and your sticky brown hair, you, my Lola Belle, my lovely sweet girl my Lola Jane Light.

2005-12-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

It's official. We've gone over the due date. That was yesterday making me now 40 + 1. The phone hasn't stopped ringing all weekend and I'm ashamed to say that I've not been taking any calls. It's a bit cowardly but I just couldn't quite face saying to people no, nothing to report, nothing really going on. See here's the thing. At the beginning of last week things looked like they were gearing up. For about 4 days I kept getting contractions, back ache and cramping. But now, it's all stopped. There's not been that much activity since Thursday. So what the hell does that mean?

We've been trying everything. Sex, curries, reflexology. Even pineapple. We talk to the bump constantly coaxing it, reassuring it with loving words. Please come out now. We love you so much. We promise to look after you to give you a home just as comfortable and warm as the one you're in now. Come out now and everything will be perfect. Please come out because we love you. We looooooove you.

Nothing. Not even a reasuring contraction to say, okay folks, on my way. So just how long do we have to wait? If I have another week at home on my own I think I could very possibly lose it.

2005-12-01T00:38:00.000-08:00

I opened the first window on my advent calendar today. Everyone around us is counting down the days until Christmas but we are simply counting down the days until we meet you. That's supposed to be in just two days. I'm not sure how I'll keep upbeat and keep myself busy if we go past that day.

2005-11-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

I went to see the mid wife yesterday for a routine check up. My blood pressure was slightly higher than normal. There was no reason why. I didn't feel tired or have a headache, my fingers and toes weren't puffy, I wasn't stressed, I hadn't rushed my appointment. Aha, I thought. It's high because I'm about to go into labour. I remember speaking to a friend who said that's what happened to her - her blood pressure went sky high just before her waters broke. So I came back to the flat, carried on as normal and then just to get me really convinced I started getting braxton hicks contractions.

All day long.

And into the evening.

And then...

Nothing.

It's the next morning and I feel just fine. The baby has settled, my stomach isn't contracting and I feel no closer to this child of ours coming out.

2005-11-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

We're now playing a waiting game. With just a week and a half to go we are so close to meeting you but neither of us knows when. We wake each morning thinking will it be today? Could it be about to happen? Or is it still a day, a week or two weeks away?

I like the fact it has finally changed seasons. Outside it is cold and the leaves on the trees are beautiful oranges and yellows. I have been through all the seasons with you inside me. From the springtime when you came into being, through to the hot and humid summer when hayfever prickled my eyes and stung my nose. Now the weather is lovely and fresh and has the smell of winter. It is just around the corner. Just like you.

I am looking forward to wrapping you up snug and warm in your snow suit and walking with you in the park. I am looking forward to warm baths and steaming mugs of tea and playing with you on our soft cream rug.

I was a winter baby too. Maybe that's why I love this time of year.

2005-11-19T04:06:00.000-08:00

It's 4 am. Too tired to write, too tired to sleep. This feels just like it did in those early weeks.

2005-11-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

It's now just 3.5 weeks until your due date, although we thought we were going to meet you a few weeks early, two days ago. I'd been having braxton hicks contractions all day, coupled with you being your most wrigglesome yet. I was feeling quite strange and wondered if maybe this was it. All I could think was don't come now, my bikini line needs waxing and I've not even packed my hospital bag yet. All the things we'd bought for you last month were still in wrappers and needed to be washed. I'd not even got round to buying any non biological powder. I'd been counting down the days until your arrival since 1st April and here I was being caught short. Needless to say, I raced home from work and spent the rest of the evening and all of Saturday morning washing, ironing and packing like a woman possessed.

You didn't come. The braxton hicks stopped but at least I have now packed my bag, your bag and Dan's bag. Oh and that beauty appointment is booked for tomorrow.

2005-10-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

We’re now going to NCT classes. We’re learning how to breathe and we’re learning how to recognise when labour is actually starting. See, thing is, I thought I had it all figured before going to this class. Seems though, there’s a lot more to it than I thought. There are all these different stages and you go through most of them before you even get to the hospital. I was getting a bit confused in the class with lots of numbers being bandied around, for example, when contractions get less than 20 mins then that means you’re in labour, when they get less than that then it means something else and well it got to the point that we’d been in there for 2.5 hours and I was starving and tired and frankly a little bit bored so I just switched off. That’s right, I stopped listening. So now I’ve forgotten all about what is probably the most important thing about pregnancy and I’m just hoping that Danny, my ‘birth partner’, was paying attention.

2005-10-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

Just 6 weeks and 3 days to go until you are due. We are so excited.

2005-10-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

5 more weeks left at work and this morning I just didn't want to leave the flat. I felt like curling up into a ball and going back to sleep. Dan forced me to get up and pull myself together, which I did, but now at work, after eating lunch, I feel so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel physically exhausted. Like my whole being has been engulfed by this weariness. I'm sure it's just how I feel today and that after a good night's sleep tonight I'll feel just fine tomorrow. But boy does this feel tough.

2005-10-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

There's just 8.5 weeks left now and we have finally got our act together. We have an entire little mezzanine that is dedicated to you. There's even a framed photo of you at your sweetest, sucking your thumb at 20 weeks. Most babies get a nursery but you get a loft conversion. Oh and a Che Guevara baby gro since that's what your Dad came back with on Sunday after a day's shopping in the Eastend markets.

Our excitement is quite overwhelming and we regularly get quite giddy, hugging each other and wearing silly grins on our faces. I have taken to doing weird things too. Like getting up in the middle of the night to come up to your room and look at all your things. I look in the drawers at the neatly folder clothes, bury my head in your soft blankie, breathe in the smells of all the baby products, the talcum powder, the baby lotion. It's pure heaven. I get up, I go to work, I speak to my clients but all the time my thoughts are with you. It's like falling in love all over again. I can't concentrate on anything else.

2005-09-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not sleeping so well anymore. I wake every few hours to go to the toilet then get back into bed and struggle to find a comfortable position and lie awake thinking. About pretty much everything. About work, about you, about me, about Dan. Then all of a sudden, wham, I'm wide awake and I'm thirsty or hungry so have to get up again and so the cycle goes. It's starting to impact on my day and I'm now getting quite tired in the afternoon. It would be great if I could finish work earlier than mid November but maternity leave is so precious and I really want to save it for when you are here.

2005-09-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

I bought you your first outfit yesterday. Nothing much, just a white sleepsuit, bib and hat. I got home and laid it out on the kitchen table so that your Daddy could see it when he came home. It gave me such pleasure seeing it there. I kept going back into the kitchen to sneak looks at it, to stroke it, rearrange it and hold it close to me. Just a little sleepsuit. Just a little bib. Just a little hat. But yours now and buying it made me realise that you are truly a little person. A little person with your very own nature, your very own way of doing things, your very own special looks. Thinking this made me cry. I can't begin to imagine what you are like. Will you be just like your Daddy, kind and sensitive, bright and funny? What bits of me will you have? Who will you look like? I have so many questions.

2005-09-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

You are 29 weeks today, weigh about 2.5-3 pounds and are rapidly developing all the neurons in your brain. You are now in complete proportion, gaining weight with each week until you are ready to meet us on 3 December, in just 11 weeks.

11 weeks feels like a long time. Time is funny like that. If it was 11 weeks until I was running a marathon or sitting an exam it just wouldn't feel long enough. But 11 weeks, when I have been counting down the days since we found out about you, and when I feel you so clearly each and every day, well, I wish it would come sooner.

2005-09-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have flown by and it feels like we’re now in the homestretch. The summer is drawing to a close, I’ve used up all my holiday and I’ve entered the third trimester. Now all there is to do is to count down the weeks, count the kicks (10 per hour I’m told – surely that can’t be right?) and count the pennies. With a mass of things we need to buy we are feeling somewhat overwhelmed. We have looked at countless catalogues and websites and have narrowed down our choices to what we think is the absolute necessity. Yet so far we have bought nothing at all, a big fat ZERO, because I keep going on holiday and Danny keeps running up huge mobile phone bills, and well, quite frankly we are broke. This is with two incomes and no child to support. God only knows how we’ll manage when you come along.

2005-08-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

I heard something great last week. You will have a friend following close behind you. One of my best friends is also pregnant, due in April. It is the most lovely news I’ve heard in weeks. Now we chat daily, sharing our stories and looking forward to the future. There is no question in our minds that the two of you will be friends. Probably best friends. You may even get married one day.

2005-07-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

(Written in the hospital waiting room.)

You are now 21 weeks and 4 days exactly. We saw you yesterday for the third time and witnessed the aerobics that are keeping me awake at night. You wriggled and moved – arms ones way, legs another, now sucking your thumb, now moving your arms. All I could think was – this is life. This is life that we have created.

And now I am at the hospital again waiting for an ante-natal check up. I am surrounded by pregnant women of all shapes and sizes, at all stages of pregnancy. I sneak looks at them, one by one, carefully examine their bumps, comparing them to my own and mentally calculating how far along the journey they are, silently clocking what is to come. I note their age, their clothes, the books they are reading and create pictures in my mind of their individual lives. Here is a woman with her sister and her young toddler looking over their scan photos. She must be a single Mum. Husband must have left. Over there is a young girl, can’t be more than 16. Skinny and only a child herself. Got herself ‘in trouble’, too frightened to tell anyone and now it’s too late.

I realise I am staring at people, not diverting my eyes away quickly enough. But then I realise we are all doing the same, each and everyone of us, we are all sneaking glances, assessing one another, sharing in this same thing. For the first time in my life I understand what people mean by ‘sisterhood’. Today in the waiting room at Homerton hospital, we are all linked by the wonder that is creation.

2005-06-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I think I made a mistake. Two weeks ago I thought I felt a flutter, a little movement before I went to sleep. But since then, nothing. Nada. My pregnancy book tells me that at 17/18 weeks, “if this is your first pregnancy, it is now that you will probably feel your baby move for the first time. It’s an exciting experience to feel the reassuring movements of your baby, telling you that everything is fine.” Where are those reassuring movements? Why can’t I feel anything?! I’m hoping that it’s because our baby is all lovely and relaxed and calm. That it has a laid back disposition just likes its Dad, happy to lie motionless for hours breathing in the world around him.

2005-06-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, before Iwent to sleep, the most wonderful thing happened. I felt a little flutter in my tummy. I lay incredibly still for a few seconds and then, there it was again. I pushed my hand firmly against my abdomen and I think that I felt the tiniest of movements push back. I woke up this morning and I thought - maybe it was a dream. Maybe I just imagined that I could feel you.

Tonight, I'm going to go to bed and before I roll over to sleep, I'm going to stay really still to see if it happens again.

2005-06-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

You are nearly 16 weeks. Soon I will be able to feel you move.

2005-06-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

The pollen count has gone off the scale these last few days. We made the mistake of going to Oxford for the weekend. I should have remembered from my youth that it's a death trap in summer if you get hayfever - something to do with lots of rapeseed fields. Anyway, we went to our youngest nephew's 2nd birthday and, well, there's no other way to describe it, my nose exploded. Mucus production went into overdrive and I was left with a red raw face from the constant blowing. After a horrendous 24 hours, we made it back to London and for the last two days I have hid in my bed with the windows closed terrified of the pollen in the air.

I have tried everything. No sugar, wheat, dairy. Lots of vitamin C. Obsessive showering when I get in to remove all trace of pollen. Short of leaving the country for the next 2 months I really don't know what else to do. I have told Dan that should we try for another baby in the future we can only conceive in August in order for me to miss the hayfever season during pregnancy. That or we leave this godforsaken country with its strange and lethal grass pollen.

2005-06-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

There's no hiding it anymore. Whichever way I stand and look at myself I have a definite bump. It really has popped out in the last few days.

Hello little one. You are making yourself known to the world at last.

2005-06-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sweet BayJesus. What is going on. Either I’ve got my dates completely wrong or something crazzeeeeeeeee is going on inside my stomach. It has simply ballooned in the last few days. I look about 7 months pregnant not 4. I’m told it’s the second trimester bloat and the only thing I can do about it is eat more fibre. Like I don’t eat enough already? Whoever said women bloom in pregnancy were forgetting about those of us who balloon. I look like a big roly poly and I’m only just over a third of the way through. Plus, it’s summer which means tight little tops and figure hugging clothes. Just what is a girl to do?

2005-06-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

We joined an NCT class today. Eight couples will attend from the Stoke Newington/Hackney area. I was too scared to ask what the classes involve although I think it's lots of breathing and women ganging up on their 'useless' partners. I'm hoping that we'll meet some good people otherwise it's gonna be just me and the baby next year. Oh, and possibly a dog since I decided yesterday that I want one of those too. Dan thinks I should try having a baby first, but I think he's being mean.

2005-06-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

You are 14 weeks today. The hair on your head and your eyebrows is now developing. Fine hairs are growing allover your body to protect your skin. We have now entered the second trimester, and you are hurtling ahead now, growing and changing at a phenomenal speed. In just 4 weeks I should start to feel you, maybe sooner. In just 2 weeks you will start to hear me. We are joined by a placenta and a bond that is stronger than anything in the world.

2005-05-27T03:11:00.000-07:00

I got on the tube this morning, pushed my tummy out and cupped it nurturingly. This was directed at a young man, sprawled out on a seat, half reading the Metro. He didn’t respond, but a 20 stone heavily sweating, red faced woman did. She got up for me and I felt terrible. She clearly needed the seat more than I did. I felt like I had conned her.

2005-05-26T05:50:00.000-07:00

It’s been well over two weeks since I last wrote properly.

In this time we have seen you again, seen a little foot kick and a little arm move, heard your heartbeat, seen my tum nudge forward just a tiny bit, broke down in tears at my cumbersome shape, had your father’s 29th birthday and got shot at by the neighbour. I have also:

told my work
emailed the world
clutched the photo of you close to my chest
bought a baby name book
started jotting down names I like and ones I don’t like
managed a smile when people ask if I’m excited, rather than a worrisome nod
sneaked a look at the maternity gear in top shop (and was massively disappointed)
upped my intake of green veg and funny looking sprouting beans
stopped going to the toilet 5 times a night
outgrown yet another bra

It feels like time is speeding up. This is good. I think it’s because I’m no longer in a state of permanent exhaustion. Now I want to go out, see people and do things. I think I finally feel pregnant. It will be better when I properly LOOK pregnant. At the moment I just look like some fat bird. Funny thing though yesterday, a man got up to let me have his seat on the tube. I wasn’t sure if it was because he thought I was up the duff or because he was being kind. It felt pretty good.

2005-05-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I heard a sad thing today. I heard that someone, someone just like me, had lost their baby. She was 2 months pregnant. She was the unlucky 25%. She saw her baby, just like we saw you, but there was no heartbeat.

I feel sad and yet shamefully pleased that it wasn’t us.

2005-05-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

You are 10 weeks today and I am feeling crap. I have a bloody snotty scabby nose. My belly is swollen and bloated. I feel fat and ugly. If I feel like this now, just how am I going to feel in 6 months time?

2005-05-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am getting impatient now. I'm counting down the days until the 12 week scan. I want to have the all clear to tell the world, to tell work, to focus properly on the months ahead. Maybe then it will feel more real and we'll start to plan for December. We've not really talked about it properly. We don't really know where you'll go, where your things will go, where our relatives will go.We don't even know if I'll be able to manage the stairs into the flat. But do you know what the funny thing is? We don't even mind that much. As long as you are healthy, as long as we're all happy, then we'll just muddle through.

2005-05-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

Bloody hayfever. Pesky doctors say I can't take any drugs to make it go away. Snuffly nose, itchy eyes. How am I going to survive the summer?

2005-05-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow you will meet your Grandpa, my Daddy. For many years I was a Daddy's girl. I lived for him, adored him beyond words. I didn't think there could ever be room for another man in my life, that no one could compare. Then I met your Daddy. Seven years ago. I was nothing more than a child myself but I knew right away that he would be the man I'd marry. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, that my soft, rounded curves made him feel like he'd come home.

Now I live for him. Our world is just that – it's ours. Sometimes we can go days and it's only about the two of us. We could have done that forever but we knew that we could share that love with someone else. That our powerful love could make a child feel secure and confident in this complex world. That child is you. Already we love you with a force that is beyond our control.

2005-04-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

You are 9 weeks today. Your vital organs are formed, your gender has been determined. You are twice the size now then when we saw you on the screen two weeks ago. You are nothing short of a miracle. I wake, I eat, I sleep, I move around and all the time you are growing, feeding off my bloodstream, breathing in the world around you. Can you feel what I feel? Do you know that today I feel tired, a bit grumpy, my head is fuzzy, my nose runny with the early symptoms of hayfever? Do you feel my weariness with this premature heat that engulfs the flat, stifling the air?

2005-04-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Time is starting to move quickly and already you are almost 9 weeks and we have nearly cleared that first hurdle. You're a good child. I know that because you are not causing me any trouble. You made your presence known those first two weeks. Got me up during the night to eat and made sure I was looking after the both of us. But see, I'm doing just mighty fine now and you have settled into a quiet slumber trusting me to make the right decisions. I've got my energy back too now that all my concentration isn't focused on processing a complex web of emotions. What's more, your Daddy and I are holding onto our dream, holding on just real tight. As soon as you join us, then we can realise it. Together. The three of us. And then there were three.

2005-04-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

Little one. That's what you are. Exactly 12 mm. Your father and I saw you today, a tiny spec on the screen, heart beating as strong as an ox. Just 7 weeks and 2 days exactly.

Your Daddy and I knew that that was your age - we didn't need an early scan to prove it, We both knew it could only be that beautiful Saturday in March when, hidden away, we grew enchanted by the romance of Amelie and brought you into the world. What better start in life than to be born of such intimate love.

2005-04-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

So tired I can't write. So tired I can't sleep. Is this nature preparing me for when you are here? If so, I'd rather wait till then thank you very much.

2005-04-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

Four thirty a.m.

Somehow I think you've inherited the early morning gene.

2005-04-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's only natural to feel a bit scared. Already, in just 12 days I have read too much. I know that raw fish is a no no. Prawns, mussels, forget it. Stay clear of smelly, runny cheese – don't want Listeria. Haven't had your rubella injection? Don't go near small children. As for tinned fish everyday – you're in BIG trouble lady. All this, all this is fine. I never was a cheese fan and sushi nights out just don't fit with our budget. But the one thing I have read and the one thing I keep coming back to is this: 1 in 4. Twenty-five per cent. That's like me in the waiting room at Elsdale Street surgery, with just 3 other pregnant women and one of us will miscarry. At 7 weeks I won't even know if I'm that lucky 75% for another 5 weeks.

Now do you see why I'm scared?

2005-04-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

You.

I have always known you. Your quiet presence, patiently waiting behind the stage door for your entrance in life.

Now it is here. Now it is your time and I feel you daily, hourly with the new changes to my body.

You're just 1 cm right now. So tiny yet already I feel a sense of responsibility and nurture that only a mother can feel. I feel protective. I want to do you right and that means for the first time in many years I am doing right by me. Just as I am giving you life, so too do you give it back to me.

But it is not just you and me. Each day as we grow, I grow closer to your father. This thing we have done, are doing together, it's greater than anything we've done before. It's humbling (and I know we both feel it ) that what is happening is older than time itself.

It wasn't all that hard to do and yet, it's nothing short of amazing.